I’m ready to end it.
What? Life as I’ve known it.
Why? Because I don’t believe in it anymore; it just didn’t feel right. My soul knows there is something else.
Who? You know.
My grandfather knew too. I feel a deep communion with him even though he died many years before I was born. I’ll tell you more about how he killed himself when you’re older. That’s what my grandma told me one day as we were crossing the street. I was 12 years old and it’s still a vivid memory.
Last year in my solo trip to Hawaii I had a powerful experience at the Volcano National Park. I was unmistakably drawn to drive over to the Petroglyphs. It’s the largest field of them in the state. It was, and remains, a sacred land where elders would come to pray for their children to live long lives. They would carve symbols on the lava and place the umbilical cords. That day I had a powerful meditation there. I felt and recieved the blessings of honoring ancestors. As we love and embrace our past their prayers shower upon us. Wow!
Since then, I have opened up to my ancestors with reverence. I realize that they have experienced limitations as we do and though their life stories, we can be aware of what they had to deal with and what we might have in our DNA.
Last week I was on a cruise in the Carribean with my boys. Submerged in a sea of group consciousness I was nauseus with the density I felt. I wished I could express my liveliness and joy with everyone. Actually, I did for about 10 minutes. I was invited on stage during the ventriloquist show and had a delightful time playing with a monster puppet in front of a large audience. My son was so proud and entertained. That’s how I’ve always played with them. The comedian joked at how committed I was with my role. That experience was a good contrast and made the density clearer for me.
I had a powerful realization of ENOUGH! I don’t want to live anymore in stagnant and numb energies. I don’t want dullness, lack of love or appreciation. I desire to live a vibrant life of exploration, joy, support and creation.
“What in the World is this woman complaining about?!”, I ask as I look at the depth of my emotions. My life is peaceful and yet intense as I abide in the search for the long forgotten shadows. Why? To clean them up for good. So I frequently embark on challenging inner expeditions.
Now I have the tools to understand that I am saying NO to is ‘Life as Is’. Not a NO to ‘Life’. So I honor my grandfather. Even though I don’t know what came over him, and he had been in coma for one month after an accident a year before, I understand him. There was something out of alignment. I get it. I’m sorry he didn’t know what I know.
Cruising to the end of the World, in an infinite Universe, can only lead us to something else. What shall it be?
I reclaim my Kingdom. I Am the Sovereign of this Body. The warrior of Truth and Love has raged within. Now I embrace my land as a Garden of Abundance. I welcome the Brave and True children of the Light to dance with me.
Love, Light and Laughter,