Dying to Live

I wake up again. Really? Do I really have to do this?

My mind wanders back six years, to the sweetness of my youngest son’s delight and surprise when waking up to this dimension. “Me desperte otra vez!,” his voice sang out. I woke up again, he repeated on several occasions in awe.

Yet for me, right now, this experience seems like a wrath and nightmare.

There is no desire for another day. What’s the point? More suffering. More complaints. A past that can’t be fully shaken off. Another day of heavy emotions and I’ve already done this. I’ve gone deep into them for so long in the hopes of a brighter tomorrow.

It’s bright with disappointment, frustration, and the emptiness of the Love I know is True, yet so scurry in this place. 

My nervous system has become frazzled and sensitive by years and years of diving deep into the black layers of density within. “No doy mas.” Enough!

I have a support team, a tight knit family and I’m a momma of two boys, so I don’t fall deeper or attempt to. I just seem to roll in the mud with my light dimmed and keeping up with my responsibilities.

During my sister’s wedding weekend in Mexico, tears fall as I realize I don’t even care what I wear or how I look, and yet I show up and offer a song to everyone during an evening dinner. I admire the courage that shines through and I hold myself closer.

The light in me is still pure and bright, yet this layer is fully expressing itself in a tired body.

I don’t want to die. I’m just dying to live a life my heart is yearning for. 

I’m in the middle of a process of addressing the health of my brain and optimizing my neural pathwaves. My brain has been wired for fight or flight yet I deal with it by staying put, so the stress is greater.

The sessions bring calm and a healthier state to this important organ of the body. I am triggered in several ways throughout the process, yet I commit to it and the result is positive.

The days become brighter and I begin to realize the importance of an intimate circle of friends that can really hold me. That I can hold. So we can rise together and enjoy this life.

Some friendships shake off and that is ok. They are still in my community and honored when and as they show up.

Seven years ago, I realized that I didn’t really know how to live this life and I offered this experience to what created it. What I understood in depth now was that the needs of the personality must be met for the vehicle to sustain the intense work of deep inner clearing.

Being nurtured and held is so important. I NEED it to survive if I want to stay here on this planet in a healthy, balanced, and empowered way. 

Given the exposure to dense energies that I as a soul am here to feel and clear, the life I am living of deep beauty, love, travel and abundance are merely balancing the counterpart.

I would not be here any longer if I could not have deep inhales of fresh air to soothe me.

Then, I realize a deeper truth.

The week before Hurricane Irma hits Miami, I’m already experiencing a tempest within. I realize that my inner landscape is in tune with the energy of the planet.

I have no need to experience that rage again and synchronistically, a good friend I made on a trip to Bali reaches out and invites me to his home in Orcas Island, Washington state. An award travel ticket later and eleven dollars… I’m on my way.

Sitting on the lawn not far from the edge of the water, surrounded by curious deer, pine trees and looking out to the snow capped mountain, I feel a deep peace and immense sense of nurturing.

I see how the outer experience reflects how I address density. I go deep within to the space of stillness. Now life is taking me there as I allow it.

My time there is a blessing and I realize how deep my inner work is going.

Not only is nurturing needed to survive, it is the way to thrive! It is a much better way to heal than struggling through life. 

As my heart is also present in Miami, close to friends and my community, I observe those who stayed wanting to help, to be an example of courage.

I glimpse at some guilt within and I as I hold space for it to clear, I have clarity. We are all here to offer our own gifts to the world. My gift now is to bring this deep peace and nurturance back to Miami. Back to humanity.

I am dying to Live this Life I know exists.

I am here to remember and to embody that Truth.

To be nurtured and held in love.

To climb to the highest peaks of consciousness.

To shed limitation and take flight into the One we are.

Together. Sharing. Love. Peace.

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