“BASTA!!!! Enough is enough!”, screamed my whole existance.
I felt as if the seams of my personality were ripping and I could not take one more whine. Another complaint. More dragging feet. Extra No’s. Bullying his brother. Not wanting to brush his teeth. Disrespect. Pushing the dinner plate away untouched. Disinterested in my fun suggestions to go out?! Demanding one more thing.
Patience is a quality I have developed during my life and I have it. I’ve been separated for six years and they always come back with challenging attitudes. I’ve grown so much from it and mastered putting up with things at times. Maybe that was the reason I couldn’t take it anymore. Something inside me was screaming. The end of putting up with things!!!
It was literally painful to see them; running away in the opposite direction was my instinct. First time I’ve ever experienced this with them. The woman that helps me with them took them to school most of the week. One night, I went to bed at 7pm, way before they did and slept 12 hours straight. Another time, I didn’t leave my bedroom in the morning until they were ready to go to school.
My message to them? “I love you. You are my adored children. I just can’t take all this anymore. I don’t choose to live like this. I’m in a human body and sooooooo exhausted!!! Just please do your best.”
Did I hurt them irreparably? Feel abandoned and alone?
Their lives will tell. I don’t believe so, quite the contrary! Since I did NOT feel guilty about it and embraced the emotions I was going through, they did not feel they were to blame and yet there was a sense of responsibility. Maybe step up and clean up? Yes. They became more sensitive to how their behavior was impacting me.
No one can ‘make me angry’ and yet if I am forced to be in an abusive relationship repeatedly, I see that anger does erupt.
One morning, I vividly remember my little one coming over to my bed very gently and as tender as ever give me warm cuddles and then leave for me to sleep more. Another time, my other son held me warmly and with big eyes told me he missed me so much. They touched my soul and yet I still needed more time.
Time to think. Feel. Evaluate. For all of us!!!
I found a great book I recommend “Parenting Without Power Struggles” by Susan Stiffelman. Well, I was totally not being the Captain (like she refers to) and that was ok. I also needed to clear out energies on my own so I had the support of one of my Healers. And I rested. Read and tried new approaches.
This experienced humbled me in a deeper way. We have many shoulds in our society and one of them is that parents should always be there for their children. I really couldn’t do it. I was ok with myself for not having the strength those days and they were fine since I recurred to the amazing support I have. Why? Because I fully embrace each experience as much as I can. I gained deep compassion for myself and every parent struggling with their children. I also gave my kids the opportunity to grow.
This week my older boy’s teacher commented how mature he has become. Sweet music to my ears and warmth to my heart. Now I am feeling stronger and more rested. I’m back to my creative and playful nature. As I let the density move without rejecting it, it went by quicker. As a consequence, they are more aware of the repercussions of their behavior. Maybe it’s the result of last week’s ‘crisis’. Maybe it’s that we’re off on a Disney Cruise and don’t want me to cancel it.
Dreams do come True. Let’s make it a good one.
Big warm hug to all parents out there. It’s tough and yet we would do it all over again and then some. Yes?
Love, Light and Laughter,