LET GO AND FALL LIKE AN ANGEL
When I closed my eyes and thought of the word ‘falling’, anxiety would spike in my chest and I resisted the prevailing uncertainty. My hands became weak and unsteady not knowing where to grab on to. As I learn to let go, falling is becoming a gateway to peace and gratitude, an experience to look forward to as a way of life.
This past Saturday I was excited to be driving towards “Awakening the Light Body”, a workshop at Citizen Yoga. My past crucifixion enactment was powerful and had given me insights into the simple difference between self-inflicting pain and surrendering. Even though I was thankful for that awakening, I was hoping it wouldn’t repeat itself.
Yoga started off the morning to prepare us to be open for the Effiji Breath-work we would experience afterward. That in itself was a mental and physical challenge for me. I hadn’t done any yoga practice for over two years since I injured my neck muscles and required weeks of physical therapy. Approaching Marisa Gallardo, the yoga instructor, I explained my hesitation and asked her not to worry if I wasn’t keeping up. She listened attentively and I felt safe with her as the class began; she wasn’t trying to prove anything and she encouraged us to connect to the power of breath. Unexpectedly, I warmed up to yoga again as the memories of the joy of connecting through it rushed back to me. I was more than okay; I tore down a self-imposed barrier of fear and freed myself.
It was time. A firm pillow was propped underneath my neck supporting it and a blanket covered my body nurturing me with warmth. This was my third experience of hyperventilating for an hour and I was ready and open to the unexpected. Alert. The room was full and I had two ladies lying close to me on either sides. I imagined my arms coming up to hit them smack in their faces. Hopefully not. Misleading me, the beginning was so monotonous that I stopped breathing a few times until I reminded myself to get back into it. That was the main thing I had to focus on for the whole session: deep chest inhalations and exhalations through the mouth.
Then the pace changed; something switched on inside and the tingling soon became needles. Oh no! No, no, NO!!! I managed to peek through my cringing right eye and saw my hand shooting up with the index finger pointing towards my chest. Not again!!! I continued to breath utterly annoyed that I was going to relive my past experience. A dear teacher recently shared that when he had tremendous pain, he invited it to become stronger; that acceptance created a miraculous feeling of bliss. So I challenged it! Then a voice of awareness spoke firmly to me. “You already learned that lesson! All you have to do is let go”, it told me. With all my determination I forced my hands to resist being nailed down and to open up, I knew that any pain was created in my mind by thoughts and emotions. My hands softened magically as the tetany dissolved within minutes; my arms were allowed to find their way up above my head to rest on the floor.
The euphoria of letting go took me into a delightful free fall tens of thousands of miles above the earth. Looking down from the 40th floor of the yoga studio a half hour earlier had inspired me to have this panoramic image in my head. I surrendered and fell willfully without fear or concerns, thrilled to take on the force of life. I sensed the weight of my body gravitating down, the air blowing past my body making my hair flail like a flag, my eyes wide open in amazement and my fingers spread in acceptance. Those sorcerer's hands engaged powerful and tangible energy. Headed towards human terrain… I realized I was meant to be down there, not lost above in the spiritual realm. Right then I grasped the addiction skydivers have to this sense of freedom when ripping through the skies. This feeling would be deeply engraved into me without having to physically jump off anything. I decided I would never forget it…. This gift of accepting things as they come and trusting that God is my parachute brings sheer joy.
Tears of ecstasy spilled over as my chest heaved and I was an open heart of gratitude. Lorraine Meyer (an amazing healer and friend) came over to supervise and as I felt her arms I found my way to squeeze her hands. “I feel so much gratitude! Thank you! I am so grateful!”, I told her as I tasted the sweet nectar. As the law of attraction would have it, my positive vibrations lured Elijah Nisenboim, the other facilitator and founder of the Effiji breath-work, to massage my legs. I felt him lift them and shake them, inviting any unwanted energy to dissipate. What were the odds of having both of them with me at once with a group of twenty-seven in the room?
Surrender also brought pure awareness. I observed life from a distance with a detachment that allowed me to see things clearly. What if I chose to live in this state forever? Falling like an angel… My dream-like trance took me suddenly down to earth where I pranced around weightless as if I were on the moon. In that discerning state, I told myself to “Be graceful, joyful and tender. Make sure every time you touch down, that footstep you leave has a beneficial impact on humanity and the earth.” Armstrong came to my mind; what if each one of our small steps was a giant leap for mankind? It was a simple observation but the image and message burned into my heart.
A contrasting sensation in my legs drew my attention towards them. They were stiff and tense, especially around my knees. It was as if I were immobilized and fixed to the ground. Instead of getting annoyed that the were ruining my perfect experience, I asked them: “What do you want to tell me?”. They were not shy. “You are scared to move in the wrong direction. Afraid to make a mistake. Listen to your heart”.
Elijah told us to go back to our normal breath and my chest obediently followed the instructions. The hyperventilation was over but the journey continued. As the peace prevailed in my soul, I turned sideways and curled into a cozy and loving embrace. I pulled the blanket over my left shoulder. My mind juggled many thoughts and revelations. I felt proud to have learned the previous lesson and let go as soon as I saw that same situation arise. It is possible to move beyond our past mistakes. What an amazing experience! I’m so thankful I had the courage to fall! And then, I fell into Grace.